Udall Afraid of Hill, Unnamed Source Probably Named Hill Tells Hill. Donate to Hill!

UPDATE: According to the Denver daily paper, Ken Buck has filed paperwork with the FEC to run for Senate in 2014, making Owen Hill debatably, by a slim margin, the second-least laughable of the 2014 Republican US Senate primary candidates. I'm quite sure that the lessons Buck learned from losing his last Senate race have prepared him to lose this one much better.

Owen Hill, by a slim margin the least laughable (so far) of 2014 Republican US Senate primary candidates, informed supporters of some important breaking news today. A fundraising email dated August 7 breathlessly declares, "Breaking: Inside source says Udall only fears Owen Hill." 

Only? Could it be that Udall recoiled after detecting a case of Hill-itosis? Did Udall have a bad experience with pastel striped ties during his boyhood? Let's dive a bit deeper and see what's so frightening to the well-funded and popular incumbent, shall we? In Hill's words:

 I just received some very important inside information I must share it with you first.

 After 17 years as a career politician… U.S. Senator Mark Udall is scared for his political future.

Those aren't my words. Those words come from someone deep inside Mark Udall's operation, and he isn't just scared of anyone. According to insiders familiar with this race, there is only one announced or even potential Republican candidate Democrat Mark Udall doesn't want to run against… and that is me.

(The glaring proofreading error in the first sentence is Hill's, not mine, and was included in the final-draft email.) 

I can't be too hard on the rookie state senator for his ridiculous fundraising pitch. After all, down on their luck Dilbert characters need work, too…

Read on for the full email and a Pointy Haired Boss worthy use of the word "innovating." 

Full text of Hill's silly fundraising pitch — only the link to donate has been removed. You can find it, if you feel moved to give to Hill's Home for Unwanted Hyperbolic Copywriters:

I just received some very important inside information I must share it with you first.

After 17 years as a career politician… U.S. Senator Mark Udall is scared for his political future.

Those aren't my words. Those words come from someone deep inside Mark Udall's operation, and he isn't just scared of anyone. According to insiders familiar with this race, there is only one announced or even potential Republican candidate Democrat Mark Udall doesn't want to run against… and that is me.

Show your support for my campaign; make a donation of $20, $50, or $100 to help me show Udall to the door.

Moreover, Mark Udall's political ally and fellow Colorado Senator, Mike Bennett head of the hyper-partisan Democrat Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC), is already spending thousands of dollars digging into my conservative record. In fact, I'm the only Colorado candidate for U.S. Senate that Bennett is looking into.

And it's no wonder. Of course a career politician with a record of bankrupting our country with wasteful boondoggles like Solyndra and empty "stimulus" give-a-ways would be wary of defending his abysmal record against an independent conservative like me.

You see, I don't fit the political mold that Udall and national Democrats are used to running against.

I'm part of a new generation of conservative leadership responsible for innovating better ways to reach swing voters. I have dedicated my entire career to helping others, through non-profits, fighting to protect citizens as a military veteran, and now, as a State Senator. My goal is to stand up and speak for those without a voice. My faith in a loving God and devotion to my wife Emily and our four children spur me to lead the charge in fixing our broken government.

The only thing standing in the way of defeating the Democrats and Mark Udall is his massive multi-million dollar war chest.

And that's where you come in. While we don't need to match Udall dollar for dollar, this campaign can't succeed without your immediate help.

Will you support my campaign with an important contribution today? Chip in a donation of $20, $50, $100, or what you can afford right away please.

Udall's afraid and should be. He knows the era of big tax and spend government is coming to a close. But rather than grumble about Udall, join me to bring new leadership to advance our conservative values.

Warmly, 

P.S. There's a reason Udall doesn't want to run against me. He can't defend his wasteful record and he knows my leadership can restore the Republican Party in Colorado. In addition, on a tele-townhall last week Udall admitted to supporters that Republicans have a "5-6 point advantage" in the 2014 midterm elections. Your support is crucial to showing Udall he is right to be afraid. Please, make a donation of $20, $50 or $100 right now.

"Responsible for innovating better ways to reach swing voters?"

Well. Okay. I suppose making shit up and attributing it to unnamed inside sources is perhaps a "better way to reach swing voters," but I think you're supposed to earn their support, not just "reach" them, if you want to win. 

However, Senator Hill, you may have a bright future in political comedy, should you fall short in your current aspirations. Have you considered an internship on Colbert?

Colorado native, young professional, progressive cowgirl. 4-term FPE (aka masochist).

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Dead People: Don’t Just Vote, Donate!

We've written before about the curious case of one Twila Sue Peach, the dead woman whose name nevertheless showed up on a recall petition in Colorado Springs. We would think it is harder for a dead person to sign a petition than to cast a ballot, but how about making a campaign contribution? From USA Today:

Thirty-two people listed on federal campaign records as "deceased" have contributed more than $586,000 to congressional and presidential candidates and political parties since Jan. 1, 2009, according to a USA TODAY analysis of Federal Election Commission filings.

Last week, news emerged of a possible donation by a deceased contributor in a high-profile Senate race. A super PAC aiding Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell's re-election reported Wednesday that it had received a $100,000 contribution from Houston home builder and GOP mega-donor Bob Perry on June 3 — nearly two months after his April 13 death.

This kinda takes the old "rogue staffer" defense to an entirely different level, no? While the contribution that showed up in Kentucky was illegal, it's actually okay to leave money to a political cause in your will…but dead people still have to obey the limits on individual contributions in a given election cycle.

Federal rules establish some restrictions on political giving from the grave, however. The donations, for instance, must comply with applicable contribution limits. Currently, an individual cannot donate more than $5,200 to a federal candidate during an election cycle and no more than $32,400 to a political party each year…

…A case now pending before a federal appellate court in Washington, D.C., seeks to overturn those limits for deceased donors. The lawsuit involves Raymond Groves Burrington, a Knoxville, Tenn., man who left more than $217,000 in 2007 to the Libertarian National Committee.

The party argues it should have received the money in a lump-sum, rather than annual installments. "This is pure free speech," said Alan Gura, an attorney representing the Libertarian Party. "A dead person can't corrupt someone."

As Mitt Romney once famously said, "Corporations are people, too." So what about "dead" corporations?

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